One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied : "No, I appreciate you....... the grass at my home is about three feet tall !!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Laloo ....
------------------------------------------------------------
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
****************************************************************
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
***************************************************************
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"
***************************************************************
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
***************************************************************
After having resigned as the Chief Minister of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he nters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. THE CAPTION : "Laloo, third from left!"
****************************************************************
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
****************************************************************
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS- "4-7 YRS".
****************************************************************
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
****************************************************************
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
***************************************************************
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"
***************************************************************
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
***************************************************************
After having resigned as the Chief Minister of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he nters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. THE CAPTION : "Laloo, third from left!"
****************************************************************
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
****************************************************************
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS- "4-7 YRS".
****************************************************************
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The good news !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man received a call from the hospital that his wife had been in a
serious automobile accident. Rushing in he found a young doctor
attending his wife, whose initial information was: "I have some bad news
and some good news for you." "Tell me the bad news first." Doctor:
"Your wife's skull is split open, her brain is turned sideways, she will
never be right. Her heart is in good condition. She will live like a
vegetable and you will watch her get fed through her veins probably 30
years." "My lord, man," says the distressed husband, "what's the good
news?" Doctor: "I was just fooling you, she died ten minutes ago!"
Man received a call from the hospital that his wife had been in a
serious automobile accident. Rushing in he found a young doctor
attending his wife, whose initial information was: "I have some bad news
and some good news for you." "Tell me the bad news first." Doctor:
"Your wife's skull is split open, her brain is turned sideways, she will
never be right. Her heart is in good condition. She will live like a
vegetable and you will watch her get fed through her veins probably 30
years." "My lord, man," says the distressed husband, "what's the good
news?" Doctor: "I was just fooling you, she died ten minutes ago!"
Santa n Banta Singh
Banta Singh went to the emergency room with
the tip of his index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying
to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your
finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face
would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I
just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I
put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise,
so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
*********************************************************************
One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking.
One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight,
and suddenly he said to his friend: "Why don`t you just
climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can`t do that
Because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."
*******************************************************************
A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,
'Wash Basin' ".
*********************************************************************
Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
*******************************************************************
Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette.
He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light.
He tried another. It wouldn't light.
The third one finally lit.
He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."
*********************************************************************
A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway asks
a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on.
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
*******************************************************************
Santa singh and Banta singh are employed in a
computer hardware store as movers. One day both of them are
asked to move some computers.
Santa Singh being energetic that day doesn't feel the
computer to be heavy at all.
At the same time he sees that Banta Singh is struggling
very hard to lift his computer.
At this Santa Singh says " What Banta, my comp has 500 MB HD and
urs has just 250, Even then u cannot lift it ???"
At this Banta Singh thinks for a while and replies "That's right,
but my HD is full and urs is empty"
*********************************************************************
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor
asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
*********************************************************************
Then there`s the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where
they were going to bury a distant relative of his...
*******************************************************************
The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It`s very
important that you take this medicine exactly
30 minutes before you feel the pain."
*******************************************************************
There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so
incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money
from each other without the other really knowing about it.
*******************************************************************
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He
Goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
Our sardar says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million Today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
1 dollar back!"
********************************************************************
the tip of his index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying
to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your
finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face
would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I
just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I
put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise,
so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
*********************************************************************
One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking.
One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight,
and suddenly he said to his friend: "Why don`t you just
climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can`t do that
Because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."
*******************************************************************
A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,
'Wash Basin' ".
*********************************************************************
Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
*******************************************************************
Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette.
He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light.
He tried another. It wouldn't light.
The third one finally lit.
He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."
*********************************************************************
A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway asks
a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on.
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
*******************************************************************
Santa singh and Banta singh are employed in a
computer hardware store as movers. One day both of them are
asked to move some computers.
Santa Singh being energetic that day doesn't feel the
computer to be heavy at all.
At the same time he sees that Banta Singh is struggling
very hard to lift his computer.
At this Santa Singh says " What Banta, my comp has 500 MB HD and
urs has just 250, Even then u cannot lift it ???"
At this Banta Singh thinks for a while and replies "That's right,
but my HD is full and urs is empty"
*********************************************************************
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor
asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
*********************************************************************
Then there`s the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where
they were going to bury a distant relative of his...
*******************************************************************
The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It`s very
important that you take this medicine exactly
30 minutes before you feel the pain."
*******************************************************************
There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so
incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money
from each other without the other really knowing about it.
*******************************************************************
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He
Goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
Our sardar says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million Today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
1 dollar back!"
********************************************************************
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Brilliant Lawyers !
Are the lawyers really this stupid, or do they just act like that in court? Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
A difficult Question !
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for the IIM
study course. He was smart enogh to get through the written test, a GD
and was to appear for the personal interview.
Later ,as the interview progressed,the interviewer found this boy to be
bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. Ihe
interviewer
got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice", said he to the boy "Whats your choice - I shall
either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well
before
you make up your mind !."
The boy thought for a while and said "my choice is ONE real difficult
question".
"Well , good luck to you ,you have made your own choice !", said the
man on the opposite side."Tell me - What comes first, Day or Night ?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said : "It's
the DAY sir."
"How ?????????", the interviewer was smiling ( 'at last I got you', he
said to himself )
said the boy, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a
SECOND difficult question!".
Admission for the course was thus secured .
------------------------------------
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for the IIM
study course. He was smart enogh to get through the written test, a GD
and was to appear for the personal interview.
Later ,as the interview progressed,the interviewer found this boy to be
bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. Ihe
interviewer
got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice", said he to the boy "Whats your choice - I shall
either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well
before
you make up your mind !."
The boy thought for a while and said "my choice is ONE real difficult
question".
"Well , good luck to you ,you have made your own choice !", said the
man on the opposite side."Tell me - What comes first, Day or Night ?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said : "It's
the DAY sir."
"How ?????????", the interviewer was smiling ( 'at last I got you', he
said to himself )
said the boy, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a
SECOND difficult question!".
Admission for the course was thus secured .
------------------------------------
Have you ever driven Honda ?
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive.
Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted
at the Bihari -? Kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did
not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction,
peeped into the car and shouted again? kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off , This time the
Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the
Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about
to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly
stopped as he found the sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ?
Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?? The sardar said ? Wohi to puchraha tha, Mein Brakes
doond raha tha?-----------
Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted
at the Bihari -? Kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did
not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction,
peeped into the car and shouted again? kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off , This time the
Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the
Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about
to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly
stopped as he found the sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ?
Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?? The sardar said ? Wohi to puchraha tha, Mein Brakes
doond raha tha?-----------
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